"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
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An Alternative Online Literary Magazine
The Humour Issue!
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2007
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August
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- The Ultimate Rejection Letter
- Poetry from the Bunker
- Factoids to Bewilder Those Within Earshot
- Andrew Franklin: "Poor Publishers! Boo hoo!"
- The Evolution of Math in the United States...or Not
- "We play Country AND Western!"
- As unbiased as a Liberty U. skolar...
- Cats and Dogs
- Jewish Buddhist Haiku
- 60's are the New...70?
- BULWER-LYTTON - The Winners!
- Headlines from 2027
- Things you have to believe to be a Republican toda...
- coda
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August
(14)
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." Drew Carey
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop everyone off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh!" Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery
"I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" Dave Barry
"Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken." Unknown, presumed deceased
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." Drew Carey
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop everyone off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh!" Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery
"I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" Dave Barry
"Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken." Unknown, presumed deceased
Paragraph 174-9/11
NOTICE: Empowered by Presidential Executive Orders, the National Security Agency may read this journal or the mail of its readers without warning, warrant, or notice. NSA may do this without any judicial or legislative oversight. The President no longer claims a right to designate the senderor the reader as an Enemy Combatant and to imprison him/her indefinitely without access to legal counsel or anyone else, and to be "rendered" to a foreign government for possible torture or death. Revised 7-11-06; expected date of repeal 21 January 2008.
Thompson '08
Monkey Mail Business
Hold on to that day job, Newt!
James nodded his thanks, opened the wax paper and looked a bit suspiciously at the offering, it looked to be a day or two old and suddenly he had a real longing for the faculty dining room on campus, always a good selection of Western and Asian food to choose from, darn good conversations to be found, and here he now sat with a disheveled captain who, with the added realization, due to the direction of the wind, was in serious need of a good shower.
Gingrich/Forstchen, Pearl Harbor: A Novel of December 8
Gingrich/Forstchen, Pearl Harbor: A Novel of December 8
ROSWELL - Coincidence, Happenstance, or Horror?
Many readers will recall that, on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed an unidentified object, with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well-known incident many say has long been covered up by the United States Air Force and the federal government.
This is a well-known incident many say has long been covered up by the United States Air Force and the federal government.
However, what you may NOT know, is that in March 1948, exactly nine months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.
This information may clear up quite a few questions.
This information may clear up quite a few questions.
Danse Macabre 11
(tm) Aug / Sept 2007 Volume Two, Number Seven by Adam Henry Carriere. Copyright (c.) 2007. All Rights Reserved.